Unconcious Decisions
by Time-Again
Summary: Collection of SongFics. JouxSeto Abusing the only thing you love can always turn to disaster. But this would be for the better...right? Yay! I decided to continue!
1. Release

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. They belong to the creators of Yu-Gi-Oh.

Song lyrics in italics belong to the band The Tea Party.

**Warning: Slash! JouxSeto. Don't like, don't read. **

**Release**

My hand still stings from the blow on his tender face. Playing the scene over in my mind. The way my hand connected with his cheek. The loud sound echoing through the empty halls. His head jerking away as I reached towards him. The short gasp that escaped his slightly parted lips. That one lonely tear, trickling down his tinted red cheek...

How many times had I hit him? Seen that hurt expression in his amber colored eyes?

"What have I done...?"

_I want the world to wake__  
__I want to give you peace__  
__I want to vindicate__  
__You need to be released__  
__Don't want to hurt you__  
__I need to make you see...__  
__If I desert you__  
I__ts just to make you see._

Ill make it right. I have to fix things. What must I do to be forgiven?

The only thoughts that crossed my spinning mind were those of correcting my wrongs and harms done to him. How do you ask forgiveness after doing what I've done to the only one you have ever loved? Would he ever forgive me?

Memories of holding his naked form in my arms, stroking his golden blonde hair, whispers of sweet I-Love-Yous escaping his lips ever time I did something he liked...but the good was outweighed by the bad.  
All the nights of accusing him of cheating, trying to run away from the fact that I truly loved him. Afraid to face what I was. All the hateful words screamed at one another .The exchange of cold glares that would stop you dead in your tracks. And then he would go too far, and my short tempter would get the better of me. My hand would strike his face. All those nights fighting, all ending in his bruised face, tear stained and hurt, looking into my ice blue eyes. He would fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness. But not anymore...

_I'm a man that's weak__  
__And I'm a man that's lost__  
__I gave it all away__  
__To complicate the cost__  
__Don't want to hurt you__  
__I need to make you see__  
__If I desert you__  
__Its just to make you see__  
__Not gonna hurt you now_

My outstretched finger hesitated, reaching for his buzzer number.  
Would he reject me?  
There was no time. It was now or never. My finger pressed the button and I could feel myself twitch at the one word my love spoke. His voice broken, the hesitation and choked way the word was uttered was enough to tear me apart.

"...Seto?"

My heart sunk. How many tears had he shed since last night?

"Yes, Jou, it's me. May I come up?" The silence made me panic. Would he turn me away? Yell? Cry? My thoughts were halted at the sound of the door opening and shutting, my head turned and a small smile graced his lips. I could take it no longer, and I fell to my knees at his feet. Like so many times he had done to me, I fell to his beauty, to his love...

"I'm sorry..." It was all I could say, before I found myself in pieces at his feet. My hands grasped his pants and I allowed my head to rest just above his pelvis, my tears falling to the ground.

His stiffened body told me that he was shocked. But then his hand came to rest upon my head and he stroked my hair, caressing my face with the other.

The time passed and I soaked in his warmth, knowing that this would be the last time I could ever hold him. I knew my time would be cut short. I would change my mind if I didn't do it then.

I stood, startling him. I outstretched my hand towards his bruised cheek and he flinched at my touch. That alone told me that I needed to do exactly what I had traveled here to do.

"Jou, I've been cruel to you. Hurt you physically and...emotionally." I sighed, dropping my hand. The hurt in his eyes made me look away. There was no gentle way to say it. "I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. Don't wait for me...I love you, Jou, and you were everything to me. But I abused you...took you for granted. I was stupid, and I apologise." I could feel hot tears streaming down my cold face. "...and I destroyed you. I don't deserve you." I turned to leave, and felt his hand grasp my arm.

_I need to make you see.__  
__If I desrt you now.__  
__Its just to make you see__  
__I want you to be free__  
__I want you to be free from me._

"Please...don't. Don't leave me." His choked words told me he was already crying. But this was what needed to be. The poison in his air would eventually be lifted. If I left, he would soon be happy...without me.

I continued walking and his hand fell. It took every ounce of energy not to run back to him and hold him and kiss him. To run my fingers through his hair. Tell him everything would be alright. He uttered the last words Ill ever hear him speak, the way I heard him scream those last few words.

"Seto! I love you, please! Seto!"

_I want you to be free__  
__I want you to be free from me.._

**(A.N: Eh. Its crappy. But I tried. Please, constructive criticism, not flames.)**


	2. My Black Dahlia

Song lyrics in italics belong to the band Hollywood Undead

Thoughts in bold.

Memories begin with a dash mark.

**Warning: Slash! If you haven't figured it out yet.. **

_Chp. 2_

**My Black Dahlia**

My body shook, my hands trembled. My mind still raced. But it had been three weeks since he had gone away. I tried to convince myself I didn't need him as I stood from my sweat covered sheets. Nightmares seemed to haunt me lately. I made my way to the bathroom. Surveying myself in the mirror, I scoffed at the pathetic image staring back at me. Pitiful. Every morning I stared at the same reflection, asking myself the same question.

"What have I become…?"

My hair was never combed, my eyes always had make up covering the dark shadows that plagued them. My clothing, ratty. My house, a mess.

"Look what you've done to me…"

Seto ruined everything. **How could I ever love an ignorant prick like that?** I shook my head at my stupidity. **I never needed him.** I grabbed my keys and discman, finding myself humming along to the tune that played as I stalked out of my low-class house. Though, no matter how much I told myself that I didn't need him, I still found tears running down my face.

_I loved you; you made me, hate me_

_You gave me, hate see_

_It saved me_

_And these tears are deadly_

_You feel that, I rip back_

_Every time you tried to steal that_

_You feel bad you feel sad_

_I'm sorry, hell no, fuck that_

The cold morning air felt nice against my tear stained face. It always helped to clear my head. But this morning, the memories seemed to just not want to let me in peace. Memories of painful long, lonely nights filled with tears and dread. I remember that sick feeling I got everytime he got angry. That heart-wrenching feeling when he yelled. Sometimes his words were worse than his hits. Like a knife to the chest.

_It was my heart, it was my life_

_It was my start, it was your knife_

_This strife, it dies_

_This life and these lies._

_And these lungs have sung this song for too long._

_And its true, I hurt too_

_Remember, I loved you._

I stopped mid walk as the streets began to fill with more people. Nobody needed to see me the way I was. And I didn't feel like dealing with people at the moment. My head pounded as it was. I ran all the way home.

When I reached my destination, I collapsed. I held my legs tight against my body. How long was my life going to continue like this? Which was it? Did I need him…or didn't I?

_I've lost it all, fell today_

_It's all the same_

_I'm sorry, oh_

_I'm sorry, no_

_I've been abused, I feel so used because of you_

_I'm sorry, oh_

_I'm sorry, no_

Deep breaths. Long, deep breaths. It used to calm me down, but now I found myself tugging at my hair, trying t empty my head of things better forgotten.

"Why? Why?!...Why couldn't I just let you go…?"

I remembered sweet caresses. Long talks of our future. Beautiful nights filled with beautiful words. I thought we had everything. But I was wrong…

"Where have you been?" I remember walking through the door to find an angry

expression on his face. I was late. That was my first mistake.

"I-I lost track of time. Me and Tristan were just fool-" Excuses. That was my second mistake. I should have known better.

"Tristan? I thought I told you I didn't want you around him anymore?" He stood then, stumbling towards me. He was obviously drinking that night, heavily. "Cheating on me, fucking mutt? You really do belong on the streets…"

"N-no! Its not like that! We were just-" Talking back and interrupting, the last straw. Thirst mistakes a strike. The shock on my face must have shown. I couldn't believe it. The sound was deafening. The pain was worse in my mind than my face. The door slammed behind him. –

_I wish I could've quit you, I wish I never missed you_

_And told you that I loved you_

_Every time I fucked you_

_The future that we both drew and all the shit we've been through_

_Obsessed with the thought of you_

_The pain just grew and grew_

I clutched at the sides of my head. **I don't want to remember!** I stood, shakily stumbling towards the kitchen, tripping over my own feet. These memories needed to be drained.

- I laughed out, his skilled fingers digging into my sensitive areas. Wiggling, I tried to escape. I was so close, but I felt his grip on my ankle as I neared the edge of the bed. I yelped, still laughing as he dragged me backwards. My sides hurt from his constant attack on my weak points, and the laughter didn't help.

"Say it! Say it!" I knew what he wanted. His ego needed to be boosted.

"Alright, alright! Seto is my King and Master!" The tickling ceased and I looked into his face, a proud look smugly fit there.

"That's right! And don't you forget it!" He collapsed beside me and when our breathing retuned to normal, he enveloped me in his arms and we slept like that all afternoon. –

I reached the kitchen, and search through the drawers, pulling out an ordinary pair of scissors and collapsed where I stood. I pulled up my sleeve and drew the scissors diagonally across my arm. The only way to drain the pain…

_How could you do this to me _

_Look at what I made for you_

_Never was enough, and the world is what I gave to you_

_I used to be love struck_

_Now I'm just fucked up_

_Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts_

I crawled to the bathroom, my head pounding. **Why won't you leave me alone?!** I lay near the porcelain tub, cradling my own pathetic form.

"I hate what I've become. No wonder you left me."

Images of his smiling face and the memory of soft skin caressing my wounds were sent through my mind. **Even though you were cruel, I deserved it. And I still need you…Seto.** Slowly, I slipped into unconsciousness.

_Seems like all we had is over now_

_You left to rest_

_And your tears are over now_

_You just lay without a sound_

-"A field of flowers always smells sweeter when you're around." I couldn't help but feel stupid for saying it. It was so corny. But, yet, his response was not to tell me so.

"I love you Jou." My heart skipped a beat. It was all I needed."-

My subconscious felt a single tear fall from my face to the ground below me.

_Seems like all we had is over now _

_You left to rest_

_My fears are over now_

_I can leave with my head down_


End file.
